Don’t Apologize

I’ve been singing in church and at fundraisers, homeless shelters, weddings, etc. I’ve done many solos, been part of a gospel trio for over 12 years and sing in our church choir. In the early 2000s my husband, me and a few church friends (Carolyn Sexton and Angie DeRossett) attended Steve Hurst School of Music in Tennessee. stevehurstschoolofmusic.com

The lessons learned at this school were invaluable: practical ways to enhance and control your voice, optimal presentation and being a responsible and influential performer. It was a great way to build your skills and your confidence.

We took classes on stage presence, song writing and many others laced with daily performances in front of a small classroom and eventually in front of the entire school.

I am completely aware of my limitations as a vocalist. I have issues with nerves and some aspects of vocal control that I continue to improve. But there is one aspect of performing that I have almost (note that I said, “Almost”) completely mastered over the years. Don’t apologize!

It is not only after a performance that I used to feel the need to demur when someone said  something thoughtful and/or kind to me.

“I love your dress,” someone would say.

“Oh, I’ve had this for years and only paid five dollars for it,” I would respond.

Nobody cares. They just want to say something nice or feel compelled to and don’t care about my negative details.

In music school they taught us to never apologize for our performance. Nobody wants to be brought down by these statements. Most just genuinely want to say nice words of appreciation.

Don’t apologize before or during a performance, speech, etc. Never bring your offering down this way. Most people will not notice anything you did wrong and if they did, they usually forget it if you finish strong.

In years past, I sang with a group of six women for our church and outside events. During practice, if I hit the wrong note or harmony I would say, “Sorry” out loud. Since practice makes perfect, I did it once in front of our congregation — right into the microphone. Yikes!

There is enough negativity in our world that we certainly DO NOT need to bring ourselves down. Whether we are attempting to be humble or just blatantly honest, we should not use this form of reverse pride to garner the attention of others.

When I first heard the term reverse pride I was insulted by it. But when I thought about it, this is how I began to recognize how the scenario played out when I apologized:

“That was a beautiful solo,” someone would say after a concert.

“Oh, you’re sweet,” I would respond. “But I missed the note in the first line/didn’t come in at the right time/sang someone else’s part/had a catch in my throat, etc.”

Any of these comments would prompt the one showing their appreciation to downplay or negate my response. And worse, it would prolong the exchange and bring undue attention to my perceived shortcomings.

Whereas, if I had simply replied with a “Thank You” the exchange would have ended on a positive and much briefer note. This epiphany took me years to experience.

The lesson I have learned here and I want to share with others is: if you do your best, practice ahead and put your mind to it — whether singing, giving a speech, dancing, acting or just doing something good for someone else, you have NOTHING to apologize for.

My hope is that this helps someone else to understand this principle earlier than I did. We all do what we can, help where we can and most of the time, are conscientious of doing our best work. Take heart — you are enough and people appreciate you.

Much Love.

Cathy

Do you have stories that reflect this idea or honoring your efforts and staying humble? I would love to hear them in the comments.